i’m fully vaccinated. i don’t feel any different.
Can we normalize being vaccinated and still living inside a Death Cab song at least a little longer?
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I might be dating myself here but… you know that Death Cab for Cutie song “The New Year”? The lyrics go like this:
So this is the new year / And I don’t feel any different / The clanking of crystal / Explosions off in the distance (in the distance)
In the weeks since I was fully vaccinated against the COVID-19 virus (I got Pfizer, the “hot-person” one, while sitting inside a shelled-out Sam’s Club store my county is renting), I find these angst-ridden words running through my head on a depressingly frequent loop.
To be clear, I felt and feel incredibly grateful to have received the vaccine. After getting my first dose in March, it felt almost immediately as though there was electricity pulsing through my veins. It felt like I’d slammed three nitro cold brews in a row, minus the panic attacks. The vaccine came over me like a rush of possibility and protection, and I felt moved to tears, crying on and off for much of that first day. In a year of unimaginable trauma experienced by our collective humanity, it felt like a small victory; multiplied by the thousands of recipients on any given day in the U.S. alone, it felt like a sea-change within reach.
After my second dose was scheduled, I marked the date of my “maximus vaxximus” (April 30) on my Google calendar and began to day-dream of how I’d celebrate the occasion. Maybe I’d sit down for a jalapeño margarita and a seemingly endless basket of chips and salsa while dining indoors for the first time in over a year. Maybe I’d head to the theater to see a movie on the big screen. Maybe I’d throw an impromptu backyard dance party.
But none of that happened. Even after the CDC announced just over a week ago that fully vaccinated individuals no longer need to wear masks in most indoor settings — just two weeks after it made a similar proclamation pertaining to almost all outdoor settings — I’ve still yet to dine or see a movie indoors. I haven’t partied in a yard. I haven’t even visited a patio for margs. My chip intake is still limited by what I feel comfortable buying in a store, while still wearing my mask.
If I’m being fully honest, I recognize that this state of inertia is mostly self-inflicted. I understand the science that is seemingly behind these recent CDC proclamations. I trust and am grateful for the efficacy of the vaccine I received (especially as research emerges that it still protects against variants like B.1.617.2, which is continuing to devastate India). I feel privileged to live in a country that is making incredible progress against the virus as new cases just reached their lowest point in 11 months.
But I’m just not yet ready to embrace that post-pandemic state of mind, even as I recognize that it would probably be reasonable for me to do so.
I’m not ready to spend a collective 10+ hours a week sitting on a commuter train, no matter how much I miss disassociating to audiobooks. I’m not ready to make small talk at backyard birthday parties, no matter how much I miss IRL social interaction. I’m not ready to sit in an office for 40 hours a week, no matter how good the snacks are. I’m not ready for music festivals, no matter how good the lineup. I’m not ready for potlucks, as much as I am salivating at the very thought of my friend Rachel’s signature beefy taco dip. Above all, I’m not ready to trust that an unmasked shopper at Trader Joe’s is, in fact, also vaccinated (in a shock to no one, those who have been most antsy to remove their masks are also the least likely to already be vaccinated).
Over the past 14 months, my world has become very small, in good ways and bad. I recognize the faces of my neighbors who walk past the house on their daily strolls. I relish in new birds arriving on the scene at the bird feeder in our side yard (just get a load of this goth prince and my new personal favorite brood parasite, the brown-headed cowbird). I look forward to Target runs and grocery-store hauls. I am grateful for the extra hours in the week that led me to launch this newsletter and get connected with a coalition of like-minded neighbors in my town. I am grateful for Zoom dance parties, Zoom table reads of iconic movie scripts, and for my partner and I (well, mostly my partner) finally planting the raised beds of our dreams in the yard.
I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. As of a new poll conducted earlier this month, the majority of Americans are still wearing a mask at all times when they are outside of their homes, and about half of the poll’s respondents also said they are continuing to distance themselves at least six feet away from others. And, anecdotally, there is still a whole lot of mask-wearing happening out in the ‘burbs, even in outdoor situations where I (someone who has been cautious about removing masks at any time) would feel safe going without one.
But it’s going to take some time for me and others like me — especially those from marginalized communities who have good reason to distrust institutional narratives — to feel comfortable with this new “normal.” This pandemic has been incredibly traumatizing for many individuals and communities, and this sort of post-COVID stress disorder isn’t going to simply disappear overnight.
Give us this moment to be emo. We’ll take you up on that marg when we’re ready.
****
This week in links:
After its 2020 edition was canceled due to COVID-19, the Eurovision Song Contest was back this weekend. I’ve been watching the contest each year for a good decade and I can’t recall a year that had a more entertaining slate of songs. The grand prize was brought home by the glam-goth band Måneskin on behalf of the nation of Italy, though their win wasn’t without controversy: Some are alleging that the band’s lead singer, Damiano David, was caught doing cocaine in a live TV shot (he’s offered to take a drug test to clear his name). At any rate, here’s the music video version of their winning song, “Zitti E Buoni,” which definitely feels like something I would have stumbled on and not been able to peel my eyeballs away from at 1 a.m. on MTV2 circa 2001 or so.
Sinead O’Connor just wrote a memoir and was featured in a new profile in The New York Times. It’s a great read highlighting her perspectives on fame, abuse and mental health, and this doozy of a comment on the story (one of 1,168) that O’Connor wrote herself: “IT IS NO MEASURE OF HEALTH TO BE WELL ADJUSTED TO A PROFOUNDLY SICK SOCIETY.”
Teen punk band The Linda Lindas (who were also featured in the QTB-recommended film Moxie) just had a viral moment on the LA Public Library’s Instagram account with their song “Racist, Sexist Boys” and just landed a record deal with Epitaph to show for it. The kids are, truly, alright. Here’s the song:
A new season of The Bachelorette is about to drop and ABC just released names and headshots of the men competing on the latest edition of this pop-culture train wreck. If you want a laugh, I encourage you to scroll through this batch of 30 men and some of the most benign “fun facts” I’ve ever heard. A sampling: “Wants to get a few tattoos,” “Really does not love vegetables,” “Loves parades,” “Claims he can eat cereal faster than anyone.”
The full trailer for Respect, the long-anticipated Aretha Franklin biopic starring Jennifer Hudson, is here and honestly Hudson should just go ahead and start preparing her next Oscar. This movie looks phenomenal. It’s due in theaters on August 13.
Two of my personal favorite celebrity food personalities — Padma Lakshmi and Sohla El-Waylly — just had a long conversation captured for The Cut that is also very much worth reading. And if you’re not watching this season of Top Chef on Bravo, I’d remedy that immediately — this season has been incredible.
Speaking of things that dropped last week, the Chicago and Batavia-based alt-pop band Iverson just released a new single called “How Does It Make U Feel.” The band describes the song as something that “would have undoubtedly been a massive hit in 1991” and I think that’s not too far off. Check out the video below, and if you dig it, support the band on Bandcamp.