kenosha goddam.

“I’m not sad. I’m not sorry. I’m angry. And I’m tired.” — Letetra Widman, Jacob Blake’s sister

My apologies that this post is coming a day late. I feel totally unraveled by what is happening in Kenosha, Wisconsin, where yet another Black man was gunned down by police, this time in front of his children. Jacob Blake will live, but he will be paralyzed from the waist down. At the same time, a white 17-year-old “Blue Lives Matter” and President Trump enthusiast armed with an AR-15 — whose mother had driven him from his home in Antioch, Illinois to “protect” property — was allowed to walk past the local police force after he fatally shot two protesters and injured a third person. While the 17-year-old has been charged in the shootings, his extradition to Wisconsin to face charges has been delayed a month, while conservatives are jumping to his defense and local police spokespeople have been tepid in their half-hearted attempts to denounce the fatal violence he inflicted.

The shooting that claimed the lives of Joseph Rosenbaum and Anthony Huber feels extra personal. I grew up about 13 miles away and just across the Wisconsin-Illinois border from Antioch and one county over from Kenosha. I am familiar with what’s been called the sheepdog mentality that prevails for young white men in this part of the country. I remember going to school with boys who obsessed over guns and hunting season. I remember walking past the row of rusted-out trucks flying confederate flags in my high school’s parking lot, and seeing their drivers sporting confederate flag belt buckles to match. I remember my own brother’s love for the show Cops and the “law and order” message it carried. In this corner of our nation, this is what many boys are taught to believe looks like healthy manhood.

The site of Huber’s killing in Kenosha, Wisconsin. (Photo: WikiMedia)

This isn’t getting better with time. White boys like the 17-year-old shooter will continue to care more about property than Black lives for as long as they live in segregated communities with almost zero diversity (Antioch is 85 percent white, similar to the town I grew up in). This will continue while Wisconsin leads the nation in racial disparities between Black and white residents. This will continue as long as the curriculum in our schools continues to be focused on white lives while erasing the contributions and rich history of Black Americans, indigenous people and other marginalized people. And this will continue as long as social media companies like Facebook continue to ignore the trend of growing white vigilantism and militia organizing that fester on their platforms. It will continue as long as we “others” (liberals, Black people, queer people, activists for progressive causes) continue to be seen as a threat to their existence, at best, or subhuman, at worst.

As we approach the election this November, I worry deeply about where this is heading. Last night, another person was fatally shot after a group of Trump supporters traveled into Portland, Oregon, to shoot paintballs at protesters who are continuing to demonstrate against police brutality. The person killed is reportedly associated with Patriot Prayer, a far-right group with ties to white supremacist groups like the Proud Boys that has been antagonizing anti-racist protesters in Portland for months. And the police appear to be allowing this to happen.

And regardless of what happens on Nov. 3, I fear that these militias will either be emboldened into further violence toward “others” or will be so angered by a loss that they will, just the same, take out that anger toward marginalized people. I wonder what will be left of our democracy by January, even if the current administration is forced to leave office. I worry for my friends and family who, too, fall into the category of “other.” Either way, I’m admittedly not feeling too optimistic. I feel the need to “prepare” for a worst case scenario, without having any idea what that even looks like. 

For a lack of better options at the moment, let’s focus on the communities we live in, and have conversations with the people in my lives about the importance of these issues. We must think proactively not only about our vote in or before November, but also how we will fight for our democracy and fight for our fellow “others” both leading up to and after that election. We have to stay vigilant but also have patience for ourselves and our health as we also navigate the endless pandemic. 

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Give: You can support the protesters in Kenosha by donating to the Milwaukee Freedom Fund, which is covering protesters’ bail and connecting them with lawyers as well. You can also contribute to the GoFundMe campaign supporting Blake’s family, his hospital bills and his legal representation, and you can also contact elected officials in Wisconsin and Kenosha to continue to demand justice for Blake.

Read: I’ve already discussed HBO’s I May Destroy You in this space, but something I haven’t much talked about is the excellent music supervision prominently on display throughout the show. Thanks to my fellow Substacker and colleague Mae, I stumbled on this New York Times piece about Ciara Elwis, the 27-year-old responsible for much of how the show sounds. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the nostalgic perfection of the moment where Arabella is dancing in an Italian club to Far East Movement’s “Like a G6.” It’s eye opening to read about her process, and if you’re looking to live in the universe of the show beyond its just-aired finale, you can head here and save the show’s official full soundtrack to your Spotify queue. 

Watch: In an apparent effort to feel older and even more tired this week, I finally downloaded TikTok to my phone. Honestly, the app runs so clumsily on my phone that I’m not sure I’ll keep it, though I’m grateful that it has brought the truly wild experience of Jordan Taylor, a gay Chicago man now living in a small town in Indiana, to my attention. Apparently Moore’s neighbors believe he is secretly with the FBI and is there to bust some cousins for their heroin habits, according to a series of his videos. Moore has been documenting the whole thing, along with his budding friendship with his lone allies, an Amish family in the neighborhood, on his TikTok page.

Cory and I. (Photo: Kyle Thomas)

Listen: I am grieving this week the loss of Cory Schultz, who was a classmate, coworker and dear friend of mine at UW-Madison. Working at the LGBT Campus Center, we organized and promoted endless safe sex demos, guest speaker events (including bringing Ruthie from The Real World to campus), movie nights and so much more. We dressed up for every costume party. We got together with friends and watched Weeds every week. On more than one occasion we stayed up all night talking about life, waiting to watch the sunrise over Lake Mendota at our friend Kyle Thomas’ place. And in addition to being one of the smartest, kindest and sweetest people I met during college, he also had wicked taste in music and films.

Cory also regularly posted songs to his Facebook profile, and the last one he posted before his death was Imogen Heap’s “You Know Where to Find Me,” and I’ve been listening to her music all week as I think back on all those wonderful memories we shared. My trip down an Imogen Heap rabbit hole landed me on her 2017 live performance of “Hide and Seek” at the One Love Manchester benefit held after the horrific bombing at an Ariana Grande concert two weeks earlier. Rest in peace and power, Cory. You’ll be so missed.