ranking peloton instructors whose classes i’ve taken from least to most chaotic
This app is ridiculous and cult-y, so why can't I stop riding?
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I have a confession to make: In January, at the height of post-attempted insurrection anxiety and winter doldrums, I downloaded the Peloton app. And months later, I’m still a near-daily user.
Listen, if you know me well, I’m as surprised as you probably are right now. I’ve never been a devotee of physical fitness generally speaking, and when it came to Peloton, I was long suspicious of the app’s cult-like, toxically positive energy as spoofed by SNL and others. As reported in The Atlantic, the app largely appeals to 40-something women, and the community of riders is repeatedly described even by its proponents as “cultish.” And who could forget that incredibly cringe commercial? It figured it simply wasn’t for me.
But, after I shared with my close friends via an Instagram Story that I was struggling with a depressive episode, a friend suggested I try it out. Instead of plunking down the $2,000+ for the Peloton bike itself, I signed up for a two-month free trial of the app to use with my $100 stationery bike I’d bought off Amazon a year earlier.
I was almost immediately drawn in. Classes are available both live and on demand at all levels and are clearly labeled based on difficulty. The music (though briefly a major complaint of users due to a licensing issue) is great once you find the right fit for an instructor. And, best of all, you can do it all from your own home, at any time of day, without dealing with the general public.
On days when I’d take a class, I’d feel a lightness in both my body and mood after sweating it out to mid-aughts pop music class for a half hour. On days when I didn’t take a class because of other things that came up, I’d feel annoyed with myself. I even found myself looking forward to my next class during the day, something that I’ve frankly never experienced with any form of regular exercise.
A few months later, I had pedaled so hard and so often on that bike, the pedals were literally falling off, so I upgraded (thanks, stimmy!) to a $400 bike. And if the pedals fall off this one too, it might be time to commit fully to the family.
All of that said, I still plainly recognize the absurdity of the whole enterprise. Some of the instructors, specifically, are almost cartoonish in their enthusiasm. On more than one occasion I’ve burst out laughing at a ludicrous comment or user name shoutout (most Peloton users seem to be named some variation of either “SpinsForWine” or “ILoveTacos”). Still, I’ve taken just as many opportunities to shed tears in reaction to the combination of flowing endorphins and motivational proclamations. You could say I’m hooked.
Peloton’s instructors make the app what it is — inspirational, ridiculous and low-key addicting. Below is my rundown of the app’s most chaotic stars based on the classes I’ve taken so far:
7. Sam Yo has strong puppy dog energy, is incredibly sweet, but his music taste veers a little bit corny. Honestly, he’s probably a bit too nice for this platform. Chaos level: 1.5/10
6. I’ve taken exactly one (1) Kendall Toole class and it just wasn’t an energy match for me. Her music taste was fine — the one class I took featured Dua Lipa, Brandy and Nikki Minaj — but it kind of felt like Toole wouldn’t care if I lived or died? Chaos level: 2.5/10
5. One of Peloton’s newest instructors is Mayla Wedekind. Since her classes are offered in German, it offers the bonus perk of helping me brush up on my freshman-year German language skills. Her Women’s History Month ride, featuring Garbage, The Cardigans and Yeah Yeah Yeahs, didn’t really make sense for a cycling class but I admired the commitment to angsty music on a decidedly anti-angsty platform. Chaos level: 4.5/10
4. Tunde Oyeneyin is incredible. She’s my go-to for post-ride stretches, and she also offers some great artist tribute rides (including Ms. Lauryn Hill, Celia Cruz and Beyoncé). She also veers wildly off-topic from time to time, such as this rant on breakfast cereal. Chaos level: 5.5/10
3. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to take a spin class from Real Housewife Dorit Kemsley? That is the energy served up by Leanne Hainsby, and honestly — I’m into it. She’s positive, energized and absolutely the sort of person who stays out at the club until last call. It also helps that she is passionate about electronic music: Her last class I took included Angie Brown, Rozalla and remixes of Aretha Franklin and Lykke Li. Chaos level: 7/10
2. Cody Rigsby was my introduction to Peloton. He’s very, very gay and a Britney stan who is prone to extremely hot takes on everything from restaurant bread to sex, so you’ll either absolutely love him or hate him. I’ve been turned off by his overuse of AAVE, but in moderation as part of a balanced diet? He might be for you. Here is his analysis of Paula Abdul’s forever-bop “Opposites Attract.” Chaos level: 9/10
1. My introduction to Jess King was a class devoted to house music. Not only was the music selection immaculate, but she also managed to share a history of house and the disco demolition between instructions on cadence and resistance changes. Also, King is kind of a lot, as evidenced by this clip from pre-COVID (when normies were still allowed in the studio). Chaos level: 9.5/10
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Links, bops and bits:
Batavia was in the national news this week because, as The New York Times described it, “a tiny particle’s wobble could upend the known laws of physics” at one of our city’s crown jewels, the Fermilab particle physics and accelerator laboratory. In full honesty, I’ve read the Times’ story multiple times and still don’t quite understand what is happening, but I’m still proud to see our rebellious local particle grab the spotlight.
Charli XCX’s 2017 song “Unlock It” is kind of a deep cut off her Pop 2 mixtape, but it’s gotten a second life (as many things are these days) as a dance challenge on TikTok. This wasn’t on my 2021 bingo card and I’m not even going to try and learn the choreography, but I’m always happy to see one of my personal favorite artist win new fans and recognition. Also, I miss screaming at concerts.
Britney Spears received the COVID-19 vaccine last week. Of the experience, she said: “I felt nothing, I’m fine fine and I hope I continue to stay fine.”
Ziwe is one of the Instagram comedians who saw their careers explode during the pandemic. Now, she has her own late-night TV show that’s about to hit Showtime, and the trailer just dropped. Fran Lebowitz, Bowen Yang, Phoebe Bridgers, Julio Torres and Cole Escola all in the same place? Sign me up, because this looks brilliant.
Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams just dropped a new, limited-run flavor — strawberry pretzel pie — honoring Dolly Parton, and demand was so high that it completely crashed the company’s website. Don’t ever underestimate the power of Dolly. (Also, does anyone have a Dolly ice cream connect for me?)
Taylor Swift just released a re-recorded version of her 2008 album Fearless. The artist has promised to do this for all of her six albums whose master recordings have been sold to her manager Scooter Braun’s company, and the repercussions of Swift’s push to reclaim her songs could be devastating for Braun and his company’s backers, as this Twitter thread details. Honestly, good for her. Here’s the remix of “Love Story” the new Fearless features:
The Nanny is having a bit of a resurgence thanks to its entire run newly being made available on HBO Max. The show holds up surprisingly well considering it first premiered almost 30 years ago, and aside from the fresh writing and sharp character work from Fran Drescher and the cast, the costumes are also perfection. Jazz Tangcay interviewed Brenda Cooper, the show’s costume designer, in Variety to learn more about the importance of turtlenecks, sequins and much more.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work at a hyped-up toxic startup run by a charismatic egomaniac? I’m happy to talk about my experience at a former employer over drinks later this vaccinated summer. But also, Hulu just premiered a documentary exploring the rise and fall of WeWork under the leadership of Adam Neumann. The problem, frankly, isn’t limited to WeWork: These sorts of companies thrive by blurring the line between work and home life, making socializing with coworkers mandatory and inflating the egos of leadership, while ignoring the wellness of the employees who make it all possible.
In response to an avalanche of criticism, self-help author Rachel Hollis of Girl, Wash Your Face fame apologized not once, but twice, for a TikTok video where she seemingly compared herself to Harriet Tubman. In Vox, Constance Grady explains why this is part of a much bigger problem with white feminism.
My friends Jaime and Brea were kind enough to have me on their podcast, Fox Valley Voice, as a guest last week. Listen to the episode here.